


Odium

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, F/M, Family Drama, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insomnia, Mild Gore, Non-Explicit Sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader is taller than Levi, Reader-Insert, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, idk how to tag it it's something between Canon Compliant and Canon Rewrite I guess, some tags would also spoil major events, therefore:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 18:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20430536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Wonder what we could be living in another life; catch us in the mirror and it looks a lot like love."An unfortunate accident, as well as obvious differences in ideologies, made hating the newest recruit of the Survey Corps so easy. But time proved that falling in love with him was actually even easier. The seemingly lost world, though, taught you that loving him was complicated. And a twist of fate made leaving him by far the hardest part.





	1. Akt I, Part 0

**Author's Note:**

> Whaddup folks,
> 
> This is my first time writing anything for SnK and I'm still quite nervous about it hah. I'm also quite anxious about my English, since it's not my first language. Writing and editing the chapters therefore takes so goddamn long, me and my academic career are suffering, but if we die we die like men out here.
> 
> Throughout the story the Reader will mostly be referred to with either the last name or her title, since I (personally) dislike (Y/N) or [name]. Also, there will be some OCs included - one of them will play a major role in the story, so if this isn't your cup of tea I'll just warn you ahead!  
Another warning for later chapters: there will be mentions of child abuse, trauma, death and blood, so please proceed with caution if anything of that doesn't sit right with you or triggers you!
> 
> As for the sexual content: it'll be there, no worries - it just won't be crazy explicit Smut (simply because I've never written something like that before lol).
> 
> The quote in the description is from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKRwmHppvTE) (beautiful) song by Bastille that may or may not be the inspiration for the story hah.
> 
> Thank you for reading through me rambling before the story even starts lol, I hope you enjoy the first chapter!

  


* * *

## Akt I: Fremde

* * *

**844**

### Part 0

_“Now then, let me see how good the Survey Corps really is.”_

Furlan and Isabel had both left in different directions; Levi glanced over his shoulder and saw two members of the Survey Corps following him, their green cloaks flowing behind them while they flung their bodies through the air, their faces hidden by the shadows their pulled down hoods created.  
Levi connected the hooks of his gear to the walls surrounding him and shot towards an open window. He emerged in the darkness and ran through the grim corridors inside the building, his footsteps echoing with every step inside the empty hallways. Jumping through a hole in the wall, he emerged back outside on the other side of the building.

He noticed one of the hooded figures approaching him from the front while he was still on his way down – he didn’t even have the time to process _how_ this person had been able to catch up with him. Levi aimed the hooks of his gear at the walls of a building nearby and flung himself forward, dashing past the hooded man, who had now launched towards him, the weapon in his grip a shiny threat. As Levi shot past him, the blade collided with Levi’s wire with a high-pitched ringing sound, which proceeded to bounce off the tall buildings like a haunting echo.

Levi moved ahead and risked a glance over his shoulder; the man didn’t follow him. Instead, he remained on top of the roof of the building next to the one Levi had left, cowering and holding his blades close to his body. For a short moment, Levi wondered why he didn’t follow him; but he dropped the thought and whirled around in the air to build up more speed.

He approached a long tunnel with a low ceiling and emerged in the darkness once again. Though the safety of the dark didn’t last long – the tunnel collapsed right over his head, the bricks of the ceiling barely missing his head as they fell to the ground. Now, the other Survey Corps soldier who had followed him tackled into his side with surprising brute force. 

Levi tried to break free of the man that was pushing him down by attaching the hooks of his gear to yet another building, but his foe kept pushing him further and further down. It felt like he had glued himself to Levi. The crossed blades pressed into the exposed skin of Levi’s arm as he tried to keep them as far from his face as possible.  
A mess of loud grunts and huffs was the sole result of this turmoil – at last, it led to both of them crashing into a high stack of crates and destroying them in the process.

Levi lost his balance – he landed on his back, a painful ache shooting through his body that he chose to ignore. He was back on his feet in an instant, though the pain still throbbed through his spine and made his legs feel weak. His foe had collapsed to the ground as well – albeit his crash hadn’t been this brutal.  
The dark green cloak danced in the air as the man lunged forward once again, his blades raised, the silver flashing in a threatening manner.  
Levi was forced to react without thinking, so he pulled out his knife out of his back-pocket and moved forward, aiming for the blades of his opponent.

The prominent clang of metal on metal sounded through the empty streets as their weapons collided. As their blades crossed it was now Levi who had the upper hand against the man – he managed to disarm one of the blades by a strong pull on the wrist of the other, yanking him towards him. Apparently, this was enough to send one of the blades to the ground, the metal rattling upon the contact with the earth.

Once again, the green cloak twirled around as the soldier fell forward, his feet slithering on the ground, before he managed to regain his balance at the last minute.  
Levi was ready to retreat by jumping back and out of aim of the other blade, though the low growl of his opponent, followed by the other weapon being tossed to the ground, surprised him. The sudden action managed to distract him, for he lost his balance as the cloak whirled in a pool of dark green and plunged towards him with one quick and sharp movement.

What happened then passed by too fast to comprehend – Levi’s legs slid around without coordination, the heavy body connected with his chest and pushed him, which caused him to stumble and crash to the ground with another stinging ache shooting through his back. 

With brisk movements his foe pressed Levi into the dirt by getting on top of his stomach, both legs securing the sides of his body so that he was unable to move. With the knife still placed in his iron-tight fist, Levi tried to manage a strike at the man above him, but his wrists were both grabbed and pinned above his head as well.

Even though the grip of his opponent sitting atop of him was firm, he still began to struggle underneath the heavy body; he kicked his legs in an attempt to throw the body off of him, aiming for the back, but the soldier made it impossible to break free by pressing his hips into Levi’s stomach. The empty sheath, that dangled off of the man’s hips, seemed to add extra weight.

It was while Levi still struggled as he noticed that during their fuss, the soldier’s hood had slipped all the way down and revealed the face underneath it. And for a very short moment, Levi’s breath hitched – his legs stopped on their own, and his eyes widened in shock, as he _almost_ lost the grip on his knife.  
He looked at _her_ – his eyes took in her features and examined her with a dumbfounded expression that had slipped past his cold and determined one.

“You’re- “

_’Beautiful.’_

“-a _woman_.”

He proceeded to snarl at her instead in disdain and shoved his own thoughts in the back of his mind, reminding himself of the situation he and his friends were in. The short moment of carelessness passed, and he tried to fight back once again underneath her, but she quirked an eyebrow at him – as a response, the grip on his wrists tightened. Her eyes narrowed as she looked straight into his face and slid from his stomach to his hips, attaching his legs momentarily to the ground, their gears rattling against each other.  
His eyes widened once again at the friction, but her face remained stern and unreadable.

“This _woman_ just bested you, you piece of shit.” She growled at him, her voice low and rough, her face suddenly closer than before. He felt her breath tickling the tip of his nose, her eyes studying him with what he deemed to be curiosity.

Again, Levi tried to break free, but it was pointless – out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed another person landing just beside his head, the green cloak dancing and twirling in the air.

“Stop it. Both of you. Take a look around you.” He spoke up, and just after the words left his mouth, the woman removed herself from Levi, leaving him lying in the dirt. The sudden feeling of emptiness overwhelmed him, which resulted in him getting irritated with himself.

He wasted no time and jumped back to his feet, grasping at his knife once again and an even tighter grip, ready to plunge at the woman; but instead, he stopped in his tracks after a familiar female voice reached him. He whirled around and saw Furlan and Isabel, both captured by members of the Survey Corps. Isabel still struggled and screamed, her feet kicking into nothing, while Furlan remained still, his eyes glued to the ground, his blue vest covered in fresh-looking specks of blood.

Defeated, Levi dropped his knife.

“You’re quick at reading the situation.” The tall man spoke up again, but Levi decided to keep his silence. 

He stared the blonde man down, until his gaze moved to the woman standing beside him. Her eyes had darkened, and while she eyed him up and down, her posture appeared to be ready to jump at him at any moment. 

“Squad Leader Smith,” a voice called out and the blonde shifted his attention from Levi to the man who held Furlan down. “_This_ one injured one of our men. Keenan needs medical attention immediately.”

The Squad Leader let his shoulders sink. His face didn’t show any emotion – unlike the woman’s face, whose expression changed from a grim one to what resembled a twisted grimace.

Levi caught a glimpse of the immediate shift in her posture. Her jaw tightened, and her body tensed up with her hands clenched into fists that pressed into her sides. When her gaze slid from Furlan back to Levi, something wild laid in her wide-open eyes. She resembled an animal that was ready to charge at its prey; the sole thing that kept her from throwing Levi back to the ground was her given order to stay back. The hectic flutter of her nostrils told him that she was eager to tear him into tiny bits and pieces.

“We’ll take care of it,” the blonde responded. His stern eyes once again set on Levi. “Put him in chains first.” 

Within a few seconds, the woman was at Levi again and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him to his knees with a sharp shove. He was forced to look up at her, his knees placed on the dirty ground, while her nails dug through the fabric of his shirt and into his skin. Her eyes studied him, and as he returned her penetrating gaze, he tensed underneath her clawing grasp. The way she had straddled him flashed before his eyes, tugging at something inside of him that he wasn’t able to pinpoint to a clear emotion – although he knew that in this very moment, it took him everything to _not_ throw her on her back and strangle her until the cocky expression on her face vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and stopping by!
> 
> (Shameless self-promo at the very end: if you prefer reading/interacting over Tumblr, I have a [writing blog](https://miodowycukier.tumblr.com) that I've created recently where I'll (try to hah) upload the chapters as well. I'll most likely also scream into the void there about my writing process, so feel free to hit me up!)


	2. Akt II, Part 1: Omen

* * *

## Akt II: Soldaten

* * *

**844**

### Part 1: Omen 

_The heat was unbearable._

_The narrow dirt trail stretched over the green fields like a brown string, appearing endless in a cloudless, blue horizon. The flattened earth was heated up from the sun shining with no mercy, burning underneath the thin soles of your shoes and therefore making your every step painful and hard. _

_You felt the sweat that ran down your temples and dripped down on your collarbones. The calf-length summer dress stuck to your back – but even then, you felt the sweat running down in a slow-paced trail from your neck over your back._

_With every step you felt your arms weaken. The basket, completely filled up with wood, seemed to become heavier and heavier with each step that you took. You feared that you wouldn’t be able to carry it much longer – although you clutched it firmly to your chest, your legs were giving up on you._

_Keenan, who was far ahead of you, shot you a quick glance over his shoulder. He carried his own basket with no visible struggle, despite it being filled to the brim with chopped-up wood, and the only evidence of exhaustion was a layer of sweat that covered his boyish face._

_Your twin-brother took a hold on the trail and turned around to face you, obviously noticing you falling back and your increasing immobility. Loose strands of hair stuck to his brow, his face a red and glistening mess. He placed his filled-up basket in front of his feet and wiped the wet strands of hair away with the back of his hand._

_Your breath hitched as you tried to approach your brother, but your legs now gave up on their own. The basket almost slipped out of your grip, so you placed it down on the heated-up trail. Now that the weight was gone, you were able to take a deep breath – although it didn’t feel like a refreshing breath, but more like gas that flooded your lungs due to the suffocating air._

_Keenan sighed. _  
_You didn’t recognize if it was an exhausted or an annoyed sigh. He sprinted in your direction and closed the distance between the two of you, his basket left behind._

_“Come, let’s put some of the wood in my basket. Yours won’t be that heavy then.” He explained matter-of-factly. _  
_Before you could even react, he already began to pile up the long pieces of wood in his arms._

_“Keenan,” you warned him, though it didn’t sound like a menacing warning. It came out like an exhausted sigh. Your brother didn’t show any reaction. With a concentrated face he balanced the pile of wood over to his own basket and tried to somehow fit it inside._

_“Keenan,” you tried again, this time you even raised your voice a little to sound a little stricter._

_“Drop it. We still have a long way ahead of us and we can’t take the risk of you getting a heatstroke.” He explained with his back facing you._

_You frowned._  
_He sounded so much older than just a ten-year-old boy. The child-like voice didn’t fit his mature and serious tone._

_“Can’t we just take a quick break?”_

_“No. We have to go back.”_

_“But it’s pointless if you have to carry more instead! Come on, let’s-”_

_“No. We have to go back. Come,” he interrupted you in a harsh tone, the basket with the wood already placed under his left arm. You wondered how he was able to lift it with only one arm all of a sudden. His right hand was extended to you. His face was still a red and sweaty mess, but something in his eyes had changed._  
_He looked frightened. Freaked out._

_You wanted to hesitate, but your arm moved on its own. Your own hand clasped around your brother’s hand, and almost instinctively you laced your fingers with his. With a strong tuck on your hand he pulled you forward._

_“Keenan, what-”_

_“Come now, faster! We have to go back!” He screamed with hysteria resonating in his voice; the basket slipped out of his grip while he tugged at your hand over and over again. The wood now laid scattered around Keenan’s feet, the empty basket laying abandoned on the dirt trail among it, your own basket abandoned and forgotten._

_Your brother’s face was a grimace now, traced with fear and pure panic. His eyes were wide open, his lips firmly pressed together. He pulled on your hand a littler harsher, the words ‘Come!’ and ‘Faster!’ leaving his mouth over and over like a mantra._

_“But why? Keenan, what is happening? You scare me!” You tried to argue, but your feet moved on their own._

_All of a sudden, you were running after your brother, chasing him and his brutal pace, your fingers still intertwined with his in a familiar manner. The hot rays of the sun burned in the exposed skin of your neck._

_“Faster, faster, faster!” Keenan repeated, his pace was becoming more erratic, the trail underneath your feet became a pool of brown color. Your feet hurt. You heard your own blood rush inside your ears, while your heart was about to jump out of your chest. Everything around you blurred – a throbbing pain pulsed in your temples that made you feel dizzy, tears gathered at the corners of your eyes._

_When Keenan turned his head around to look at you, it wasn’t the face of a ten-year-old that looked at you, but the face of a young man._  
_Though his eyes haven’t changed._  
_They were filled with fear, a few deep-red squirts of blood graced his cheeks. His hair didn’t stick to his brow anymore, but was tied up messily in a low ponytail._

_“Go! Move, move! We need to reach the horses! We need to go back!” He screamed at you, his voice wasn’t child-like anymore, but low and coarse instead. As if the years had left their mark on it._  
_Underneath your feet the earth began to shake. You heard a jarring cry behind you, but you didn’t have the courage to turn around. Instead, your feet carried you forward, all the way forward, your fingers still intertwined with your brother’s._

_Another piercing cry behind you. You dared to glance over your shoulder and amidst the rich green field and the striking blue sky he stood._

_A titan._

_Loud and desperate cries erupted from the human in the titan’s giant hand. He had grabbed the person by the torso like a child would pick up a toy-soldier._

_You couldn’t stop staring. Keenan was now yanking you forward, screaming at you, demanding you to move faster, faster, faster. But you couldn’t look away – you watched as the titan lifted his hand up and led the man in his grip to his wide-open mouth._

_Another piercing cry filled your ears. _

_Blood spilled everywhere._

_The scream died down._

_Your heart stopped beating for a moment._

_The grip on your hand was gone._

“_Keenan!_”

  


You jerked awake with a loud scream, almost falling out of the chair you fell asleep in. Instinctively, you grabbed your sore throat and panted, trying to catch your breath. Your heart was beating so fast inside of your chest that you feared it might break your ribs and jump right out of your body.

Through the window above your head the pale moonlight flooded inside and soaked the room in a ghostly looking, somber light. Upon scanning your surroundings your eyes eventually landed on the sleeping person in the bed next to your chair.  
An exhausted sigh escaped your lips, and it came out shakier than expected.

You leaned back in the chair, and the wood creaked in a painful manner, and ran both hands through your hair. Although your heart was still beating way too fast, you felt relief wash over you.  
Exasperated, you closed your eyes and attempted to normalize your breathing.

“_Only a dream_.” You assured yourself under your breath and then ran your hands over your face. Upon doing that, you noticed the dampness on your cheeks – you hadn’t even realized that you had cried in your sleep. You quickly wiped them away with the back of your hand.

Once again, your eyes landed on the person in the bed.  
Keenan’s long hair spread on the pillow and around his face like a halo. The soft moonlight embellished his features and enhanced the sick looking color of his face. And though your scream hadn’t disturbed his sleep, his slumber didn’t appear to be quite peaceful and restful, either; a deep frown graced his brow, where drops of sweat gathered and ran down his temples.

You reached out to him and softly laid your hand on his forehead – his skin was _burning_ underneath your own cold palm. The fever still hasn’t left his body.

You remembered the way his face had twisted into this grimace of fear and panic in your dream – it was burned into your mind now, like a vivid memory. You remembered the way you had grabbed his hand and how his grip had suddenly disappeared.  
While he slept his hands were both clasped around the right side of his waist, where his stitched-up wound was located, twisting his body into a painful and uncomfortable looking position.

A frown now formed on your own brow. 

Throughout the four years, in which you and Keenan had been a part of the Survey Corps, you both had participated in many expeditions – in a way, you both were quite familiar with death. Whether it was risking your own life, losing a friend or leaving comrades behind – death was looming over your heads like a constant threat.

You may have been a Squad Leader, but you weren’t invincible – and Keenan was a mere Team Leader of your Squad. After you had joined the Survey Corps, you had both known what it meant: risking your own life for humanity’s sake.

Therefore, it wasn’t the first time that one of you got seriously injured and ended up in the infirmary for a few days. But _this time_, the difference was that Keenan hadn’t got seriously injured during an expedition.

You felt the anger boil up again in the pit of your stomach after you had tried suppressed it.

You had no clue how one of those vain thugs from the Underground had managed to injure Keenan _this_ badly. After all, you didn’t witness it. And to be quite fair, you didn’t even care _how_ one of them had accomplished it.

Because now, Keenan was laying in the infirmary for days, his body struggling with the healing process of the now infected wound – while these damn thugs were allowed to _join_ the Survey Corps.

You had always respected Erwin – to be quite honest, you even _admired_ him. But you were struggling to accept the decision to let these three criminals join the Survey Corps _just because_ they were good with the 3DMG. Although you would never voice this struggle out aloud.

You were glad that Commander Keith was at least sane enough to not put them in your Squad, but in Flagon’s Squad instead. Though the latter wasn’t happy about it, either. Their mere presence was an accident waiting to happen, and it took you _a lot_ of restraint to not be the first one to intervene if said mistake happened.

A hoarse sigh pulled you out of your own thoughts.

Keenan stirred underneath the covers, the frown deepening even more and his eyes fluttering open. He shifted his tired gaze towards you, narrowing his eyes after recognizing you, a weak sigh escaping his throat.

“You’re _still_ here?”

“I fell asleep in the chair.”

“Sounds uncomfortable.”

You pursed your lips as you watched him sit up in his bed, careful not to strain the right side of his body, the covers rustling underneath each movement. Keenan let out a long, shaky breath through his nose and reached for the cup of water on his nightstand.

Silence filled the room as you watched him gulp down the entire cup.

“You know that it’s just a fever, right? I’m not dying over here. You can go and sleep in a … you know, actually _comfortable_ environment.”

You raised an eyebrow at that.  
“Keenan, your wound is _infected_.”

“And yet I’m _still_ not dying.” He placed the empty cup back on the nightstand and laid his head back on the pillow with yet another small sigh. “You worry too much. Go to sleep. _Actually_ to sleep. Watching _me_ sleep won’t make me any healthier.”

“But what if-”

“No.”

He shot you a quick glance and signaled you to stop trying to argue by simply shutting his eyes. You closed your mouth and swallowed the words you wanted to say and quietly stood up.

Despite the nightmare still nagging at the back of your mind, you _were_ pretty tired and, well, uncomfortable. You wanted to talk to Keenan about your dream, but you decided to do that on the next day – for now, you wanted to grant your brother the rest he needed … and to get some rest for yourself, which you also needed. So, you obeyed and left the infirmary.

* * *

Gently, you closed the door behind you. With a coarse sigh of your own you leaned your forehead against the cool wood of the door, closing your eyes and trying your best to ignore the haunting images of your nightmare that sneaked its way into your brain.  
Your body was so damn tired – all you wanted to do was to go back to sleep, but you knew that as soon as your head hit the pillow and you were finally able to close your eyes, you-

“Squad Leader Kreuz.”

‘_For fuck’s sake_’

You turned your head mechanically, forehead still resting against the door, and narrowed your eyes at the person staying a few feet away from you. It was hard to recognize his facial features in the dim corridor, since both of you didn’t have a candle, but you just _knew_ who it was. The knowledge that you had already memorized the sound of his voice saddened you.

“It’s past curfew. Why are you still up?” You inquired in a harsh tone, your anger from earlier on already boiling up in the pit of your stomach.

“I heard a scream. It woke me up.”

“Ah. It’s _still_ past curfew, and you’re not supposed to be up. This isn’t the Underground; you can’t just do whatever you want and creep up on a superior in a dark hallway.” You snapped at him. There was no energy left in your body to deal with him right now. 

“Besides, what are you doing _here_? I doubt that said scream was loud enough to reach that shitty barrack of yours.”

“So, it was actually _your_ scream?”

“Don’t avoid the question, _Levi_.”

Saying his name out loud felt like spitting poison.

When you faced him with a grim expression, you were able to eye him skeptically – he didn’t quite _look_ like he had just woken up.  
The only light-source may have been the faint moonlight, which barely reached the corridor through the door-crack of the infirmary’s door, yet you were still able to tell that his hair was neat and proper, as if his head hadn’t touched a pillow at all. You also recognized that he was still dressed in his casual clothing – which made you all the way more suspicious. 

Yet again, you narrowed your eyes at him and took a small step towards him.

You doubted that your scream had woken him up.  
Hell, there was _no chance_ that it had woken him up. It hadn’t even woken Keenan, and he had been _right beside_ you.  
So, he had _probably_ been awake, and he had _probably_ heard your scream while he was … sneaking around near the infirmary. Near your injured brother, which one of his thugs had tried to kill.  
_On his own. Without a candle._

That was … way too easy to tell. And you doubted that he was stupid enough to _not_ know this.

_He was toying with you._

You took another cautious step forward and looked down on him, which wasn’t that hard considering his height. His eyes followed you, yet there was no visible interest written over his facial features. He appeared unaffected by your presence, which furthered your rage towards him even more.

“I have no idea why Erwin thought that it was a good idea to recruit you. And if it wasn’t for him, I would’ve simply killed you right there in the Underground, just where scum like you belongs, for what that blonde bastard of yours did to my brother.” 

Your voice was low and hoarse from your still sore throat, but you still managed to sound as dangerous as intended.  
His face didn’t show any emotion, though. There was no reaction at all, and somehow, that pissed you off even more and drove you over the edge.  
And if he was thinking or feeling anything, he hid it behind those dark eyes of his that appeared almost black in the dim corridor.  
You took yet another step forward, now taking a hold right in front of him, and loomed over him. His gaze followed your movements silently, but his expression remained empty. It was unbearable. He exasperated you so badly – you clenched your jaw instinctively and gritted your teeth.

“Erwin might see something in you, but all _I_ see is a thug from the Underground. You’re nothing, and you’ll die behind the Walls as nothing. And whatever you’re trying to achieve by creeping around near my sick brother, lying to me and denying your superior an answer; _drop it_. Do yourself a favor and go the fuck to sleep. And go _actually_ to sleep. Next time I catch you sneaking around, I won’t be that nice anymore.” 

He remained eerily calm, taking in all your words, his eyes narrowing the slightest bit.  
His pale skin looked almost ghostly underneath that black hair. He stared up at you, and for a second it looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it instead – so, he nodded his head, taking a step back from you and eyeing you up and down.

“Try to muffle your scream next time, _Squad Leader Kreuz_.” He stated with a blank expression, his tone nonchalant and cold, yet menacing at the same time. It was such an empty statement, yet he made it sound like a threat. And instead of granting you a chance to react to it, he turned around.

Stumped, you were left behind in the hallway, watching as he walked away. You clenched your fists and pressed them to your sides.

_He was toying with you._

His presence was an accident waiting to happen, and you were ready to jump at his pretty throat as soon as he slipped up.


	3. Akt II, Part 2: Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for leaving kudos, bookmarks and comments! I really appreciate each and every one of you, and it really keeps me going!

### Part 2: Fever 

Falling back asleep in your own bed was impossible.

Your body may have been exhausted and worn out, but your mind was still racing with a dozen different emotions and thoughts. The images of your nightmare still flashed right before your eyes, leaving you stressed out and unable to calm down your tormented nerves. The encounter with Levi only added to the fuel of emotions: your anxiety mixed with pure rage, your thoughts running wild on what he possibly had looked for in the hallway. 

You laid on your back, arms crossed behind your head, and eyes fixated on the ceiling, after you had tossed around from one side to the other in a poor attempt to calm down your brain and to just fall asleep.  
But it was useless.

So, you just gave in – after all, this wasn’t the first time you were having a sleepless night. Most of the time, nightmares kept you awake anyway – faces of your dead Squad members haunting you in your sleep, their deaths playing in your head over and over again, their ghosts appearing in front of you. Their faces were always ridden with pain, eyes dead and body torn apart – accusing you of doing nothing to prevent their deaths.

Usually, you woke up at night, your hair a damp mess and your heart beating way too fast for your body to comprehend – and then, you didn’t dare to go back to sleep.

But this time, the nightmare had been different. You had _never_ dreamed of Keenan before – and even though you weren’t a very superstitious person, you knew that you _had_ to tell him about your dream. You played with the thought of telling him about the _random_ encounter with Levi, too, but maybe making him angry wasn’t a very healthy option, considering his state right now.

You turned to your side and gazed out of your window.  
You watched the sky and waited for the night to finally end.  
When the colors of the sky turned from a deep black to a dark blue, from a lilac shade to a soft pink and then gradually to a light blue, the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds.

* * *

With a sceptical look on your face and your arms crossed over your chest you leaned against the wall next to the door and observed your brother. He was currently sitting on his bed and putting on his boots. His movements appeared to be slower than usual, almost as if the right side of his body followed the orders his brain gave to it with delay.

When you had entered the small room at dawn, your twin had already been awake and dressed in his uniform, his bandages hidden underneath his white button-up shirt. He had greeted you as if nothing had ever happened to him. As if he didn’t have a fever just a few hours ago. Though the dark circles under his eyes and the cautious movements told another story. 

A sigh left your lips.

“Keenan, are you _really_ sure that-”

“Do you _ever_ stop worrying?” He interrupted you promptly before he shot you a quick, annoyed glance. “I’m _fine_. I’m feeling much better today, and I’m getting sick of lying in bed all day like a useless burden.”

With that, he stood up and scanned the small space of the infirmary, a small sigh escaping his lips.

“Although I’ll miss having a room all for myself. Going back to that shared room ‘s the only thing I’m _not_ looking forward to.”

He turned to face you and shot you a sly grin, to which you simply raised an eyebrow.

“Anyways,” he continued and stemmed his hands on his hips, careful to not touch his wounded side by accident. “Why did you scream my name last night? Did you have another nightmare?”

Your eyes widened with surprise – he had _heard_ you?

“Wait, you- you actually _heard_ me? But you were _sleeping_!”

“Of course, I was sleeping – well, until you screamed my name. That kind of naturally woke me up, since I’m, you know, only used to hearing my name being screamed when-”

“_Keenan_,” you interrupted him in a harsh tone, not even wanting him to finish his damn sentence. He shot you yet another sly grin, and when you didn’t reciprocate it, he huffed.

“Alright. I noticed your distress, so I pretended that I didn’t hear you so I could send you the fuck to sleep. You looked like hell, I wanted you to get some rest before we could talk about it.”

Upon hearing that, your thoughts unwillingly wandered back to the encounter with Levi. You gritted your teeth - it infuriated you that maybe, just _maybe_, he hadn’t told you a lie.  
_Maybe_ he was a _really_ light sleeper, and _maybe_ he had fallen asleep in his casual clothes. After all, you had done the same thing. And the biggest _maybe_ was that _maybe_, he had actually wanted to check where this scream had come from.  
_‘Try to muffle your scream next time.’_  
You hated that it made sense.

You tried to shove any thought about Levi into the back of your mind – right now, it wasn’t worth your anger. Or your energy in general.

With a groan you rubbed your eyes with your palms. You motioned for Keenan to sit down, and after he gave you a questioning glance, he simply obeyed. Yet again, you took a seat in the chair you had fallen asleep in last night, while Keenan sat down on the bed. His face twisted with a pained expression upon doing that, a quiet groan escaping his throat and his hands shooting to his side.

You watched him with a deep, worried frown. He pressed his palms to his side and winced, then he simply leaned forward and lifted his gaze. All of a sudden, the pained expression was gone. As if nothing had happened.  
You hesitated, then you simply acted along. He _wanted_ you to ignore it – you could read that in his eyes.

“Do you remember that one summer that we spent on our grandfather’s farm in Speik?”

Keenan furrowed his brow with a questioning look on his face– he stared at you for a few silent seconds, trying to understand the sudden change of topic, until he nodded, though the expression on his face gave away his visible confusion.

“Uh, yeah. I do. Why … are you asking?”

“I dreamed of it. Or, of a memory. I don’t know. But then it turned into a nightmare.”

“The way you explain things makes me feel as if I’m _right there_.”

“Can you for _once_ stop being annoying and just … listen?”

“Only if you ever stop worrying.”

Annoyed, you rolled your eyes at him and slouched back in the chair. You could tell by the way the corners of his mouth twitched that he was holding back another one of those stupid grins he always did when he found himself _incredibly_ funny. But he actually seemed to sense your distress, so he cleared his throat and leaned slightly forward with a stoic expression, signaling you to continue speaking.

“As I said. I think it was a memory, but I’m not quite sure. The whole thing was so … insignificant. We were just carrying baskets filled with wood on an extremely hot day. It was … peaceful.”

A small, genuine small formed on your lips. 

You had liked Speik – as a young and naïve girl, you had enjoyed spending the whole summer away from your home, your father and your responsibilities.  
Speik had been something _different_, something _new_ that you were able to experience for the very first time. You remembered the green fields that seemed to be infinite, but you had known that somewhere, beyond those fields, Wall Rose stood, hidden away from your range of view. It had been so _exciting_. 

When the summer had ended and you were forced to go back into the safety of Wall Sina, you had hoped to maybe return to Speik very soon. To spend yet another summer full of hot days in the fields, afternoons filled with laughter of your new-found friends and warm evenings on the veranda of your grandfather’s house.

But you never did.  
You never returned to Speik, and the fantasy of another summer in the small village in the lands of Wall Rose remained just that – a fantasy.

You looked into Keenan’s tired eyes that were the same color as your own, and you were reminded of the way his face had twisted with fear and panic in your dream. With that, the smile disappeared, and you glued your eyes to the floor.  
Out of nowhere, the thought of not only having him _not_ by your side, but his whole existence disappearing, leaving this world behind and never returning back to you, laid down on your shoulders like an additional weight. It made you feel dizzy.

“Then, you told me we had to go back. And you took my hand and we ran away. I didn’t understand why, until I heard screams right behind us. And when I turned around, there was a titan … eating someone. I- I don’t even know _who_ he was eating.”

Keenan pursed his lips when you dared to look up from the floor. He was chewing his bottom lip, but he kept quiet, which cued you to go on.

“That was the first time I ever dreamed of you since joining … or of our childhood in general. I just- I don’t know. _Normally_, I dream of dead people.”

“To be honest, it sounds like a stress-reaction,” Keenan commented and gestured with his hand to his wounded side in demonstration. “I already told you, you worry too much. I’m fine, and everything will remain fine.”

He tried to reassure you with a small smile, but you weren’t able to reciprocate it. Instead, you leaned forward and let your head hang between your shoulders, a sigh escaping your lips and your hands running through your hair. You felt Keenan’s gaze resting on your form.

You weren’t even able to point out _why_ this dream in particular tormented you so much – after all, you were used to horrific scenarios haunting you in your sleep. Even the supposed childhood memory was a rather nice one – the summer in Speik was probably one of the very few memories from your childhood that you _liked_ to recall. Or that you remembered very clearly.

“Do you remember that one girl that lived in Speik?”

Upon hearing Keenan’s voice, you looked up and furrowed your brow. Although his eyes were fixated on his boots, he gazed at them with a faraway expression, a small smile tugging at his lips. The dark circles under his eyes created a sharp contrast to his softened expression.

“Which one?”

“Marlene. She often came out to play with us, along with some of her other friends. Back then, as a ten-year-old, she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Frankly, you didn’t know how to respond –the sudden change of topic confused you, as well as the way Keenan’s features had softened. You couldn’t remember a girl by that name – but you tried to appreciate the fact that your brother probably tried to ease your worried mind.

“No. I don’t remember her.”

Keenan lifted his eyes and looked at you – you weren’t able to read his expression. He nodded his head and hummed in acknowledgement.

“I wonder what became of her.”

“Well, she probably got married. Maybe she got children, too.” You speculated and shrugged. “That’s what people our age most likely do.”

“How very uplifting.”

That actually lured a laugh out of you – one that Keenan reciprocated with a lopsided grin. As soon as your – rather short – laughter died down, Keenan’s expression changed, too.  
Yet again he seemed lost in his own thoughts, gazing off into the distance with slightly hooded eyes and a clenched jaw. 

“Do you ever think about how your life would look like if you never would’ve joined the Survey Corps?”

_This_ question caught you completely off-guard. Your eyes widened in surprise and you felt how your mouth fell open, although no words left your lips. Perplexed, you eyed your brother, who was still staring at a random spot in the small room. A big lump formed in your throat. Suddenly, swallowing became a challenge.  
You blinked slowly in your brother’s direction.

Joining the Survey Corps had probably been the only decision in your life that you had made _by_ yourself and _for_ yourself.

As long as you could remember your whole world had revolved around becoming a perfect and functioning soldier. After all, your father had been a member of the Military Police – and in the rare occurrence that he was actually home, he chose to spend the supposed bonding-time with his children by training them.

You grew up in the safety of the Stohess District – in absolute wealth and absolute isolation from any other children your age.

Everything that you had for your whole life had been Keenan, as well as your goal to someday become the strong and noble soldier that your father had always wanted you to become.  
All of your childhood memories therefore consisted of efforts to become physically stronger, memorizing new fighting-techniques and corporal punishments by your own father, mostly accompanied by the motivation to work _even harder_ in order to hear praise, acknowledgement, appreciation – _anything_ – from him that resembled parental love in the slightest bit. Something that he had never given to you, no matter how hard you had tried. He had always seemed to prefer Keenan over you, despite you surpassing your brother in your abilities at a young age.

But as a child, you didn’t quite understand _why_ your father seemingly favored your brother – but now, as an adult, you understood. You understood far too well, and you liked to think that this realization had contributed to your decision to not join the Military Police back then, even though he had prepared you for that for the vast majority of your life. 

Maybe that was why you held the memories of that one summer in Speik so dearly in your heart – a small village, far away from the sickening wealth of Wall Sina, your father and the constant burden to be _perfect_. The sleepy village was a pool of rich green and blue in your memories, accompanied by the smell of fresh-baked pie and the tingling of sunshine on your skin. No summer had ever felt warm again after the one you had spent in Speik.  
Maybe that was why even those memories haunted you in your dreams after all those years – because Speik was the exact opposite of the life you led right now. 

Joining the Survey Corps at the age of twenty-one had been the only decision that had given you at least a little power over your own life and had felt like a small rebellion against everything that your father had always wanted you to become.

“No,” you answered, your thoughts still far away. “Never.”

Keenan eyed you and tried to read something in your facial expression with his eyes narrowed in concentration, but he kept quiet. Finally, he nodded his head and stood up, wary to not damage his bandaged-up waist. He winced upon doing that, his body twisting to the side as his fingers helplessly grabbed onto the wound in an attempt to soothe the pain.

You jumped up from the chair and extended your arms to support him, but Keenan shot you a furious glance, signaling with his blood-shot eyes to back off and let him straight up by himself. You stopped in your movement, your arms sinking slowly, but your eyes never leaving his.

“Maybe we should go and eat breakfast.” He offered with a strained voice and headed for the door.

* * *

He looked miserable.

His face was inhumanly pale and appeared to be paper-thin – fine blue and red veins graced his cheeks and spread over his skin like soft spider-webs. The dark circles glistened in a deep lilac shade under his puffy eyes, and you were sure that you saw small droplets of sweat running down his temples, giving away the fever that still tormented his body.

Frank and Agnes, who were the other two Team Leaders of your Squad, had joined you at your table in the dining hall. You were surrounded by the sounds of clinking cutlery and low voices, while none of you even dared to touch the food on your plates. The tension was almost unbearable – each of you probably thought the same thing, but none of you wanted to articulate it out loud.

Keenan, on the other hand, tried his best to force down his food – he stuffed his mouth with bread and took his time to chew it. But with every bite that he took, you were able to see that he did his best to not just gag on it and spit it out immediately.  
Of course, you had tried to argue with him – you had told him that he looked like literal hell, that his body was in no condition to leave the infirmary yet and that his wound actually needed time to heal.  
And _of course_, his stubbornness had been stronger than his common sense.

Frank cleared his throat awkwardly.  
“Keenan,” he spoke up with a croaking voice. As his name left his Squad-mate’s lips, Keenan looked up from his plate. His mouth was stuffed with bread, though he stopped chewing straight away. Frank shifted in his seat and looked uncomfortable under Keenan’s gaze, so he averted his eyes to the red-headed girl next to him, but Agnes was busy with staring at her own untouched food.

“Keenan, are you _sure_ that you’re already healthy enough to-”

“_Oh my god_, not you, too.” Keenan interrupted the teenager, his words almost inaudible because of his still full mouth. Frank gulped down the rest of his sentence and immediately shut his mouth after hearing Keenan’s annoyed voice.

“Let the boy speak.” You interjected and locked your gaze with Frank’s concerned one. “He has a point.”  
You motioned for Frank to continue with a small nod of your head.

“I … ah, I mean, you look like _hell_, Keenan. I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s … well, quite obvious.”

“I agree,” Agnes spoke up and averted her eyes from her tray. “Your body needs time to rest and to heal. You were wounded quite badly, things like this take time.”

You raised an eyebrow and studied your brother’s face. Both Frank and Agnes – who Keenan considered his _friends_ – had hit him with the exact same reasoning you had argued with before. You hoped that hearing these things from someone else than his ‘_way-too-worried_’-sister maybe showed him that his actions were … well, stupid. Stupid, stubborn and childish.

An annoyed sigh left his lips.  
“I appreciate your worry, but I’m _fine_.” He tried to reassure them and forced himself to smile at them. It ended up looking like a pained grimace – which resulted in Agnes and Frank exchanging concerned looks. Then, they averted their eyes to you. You could read in their expressions that they _waited_ for you to say something, _anything_, to help them – you were their Squad Leader, after all – but you remained silent.

“Besides, I’m actually really fucking hungry and-”  
Keenan stopped mid-sentence, his hands suddenly pressing to his wound, his body twisting and wincing yet again to the side. His face distorted with pain as he tried to sit up straight, but his visible pain prevented him from that. And while he gave in to his pain, a piercing shriek escaped his lips – so loud, that all of a sudden, all the voices in the dining hall died down immediately. The clinking of cutlery stopped; everyone fell silent as Keenan’s cry echoed through the hall. 

Both Agnes and Frank were ghostly-pale, their wide-open eyes filled with pure fear and panic. Keenan gritted his teeth. He groaned, his hands pressing into his injured side. All eyes were on him, and it made you freeze in your chair.  
You wanted to help him; you wanted to wrap your arm around his shoulder and let him lean into your side. You wanted to ease his pain, to do something, _anything_ – and yet you sat there, almost paralyzed. You _wanted_ to feel something, but you weren’t able to. Everything felt numb.  
You watched him struggle to straight up again. He did, eventually. Slowly, warily, his face glistening with a thin layer of sweat – and he sighed, his breath still shaky, his hands never leaving his right side.

Your mouth fell open, but the lump in your throat prevented you from saying anything.

You looked around – and your eyes fell on him.  
_Furlan_.

He sat there, a few tables away, next to his little red-headed friend, and stared at your brother with a frown gracing his brow. 

Why was he allowed to sit there in peace, while your brother winced in pain?  
Why was he allowed to call himself a member of the Survey Corps after he had injured Keenan on purpose?  
Why was he _here_?  
_Why wasn’t he the one who felt the pain instead?_  
All of a sudden, all the suppressed rage bubbled up again. It made its way up from the pit of your stomach to your chest, to your throat, to your head. The rage was at least _something_ that you were able to feel in this very moment, and you welcomed the feeling with open arms.

A voice in your head screamed at you to _behave: this wasn’t how a soldier was supposed to act, do you hear me?_  
But you chose to ignore it. You had to ignore it. Your body moved on its own – mechanically, you got up, the blood rushing inside your ears. The sound reminded you of a flowing river. You felt nothing and everything at the same time.

With quick steps you crossed the space between your own table and the blonde thug’s table. His eyes widened with every step that you took in his direction, his girlfriend furrowing her brow in confusion and studying you with a curious expression. You also recognized Levi, who sat across from Furlan – his back was facing you, and since he didn’t even bother to turn around, his face remained hidden from your sight. 

You didn’t even hesitate – it all happened way too fast for your brain to keep track on.  
You took a hold at their table, leaned over it and grabbed Furlan by the collar of his white button-up shirt. With a harsh pull you forced him to his feet and yanked him forward, the shock in his eyes growing in the process, a shocked and visibly baffled expression now gracing his features. His hands tried to grab onto the table, but you jerked him towards you, his legs hitting the table’s edge, which was the only thing that prevented him from getting pulled over the table completely.

“You. _You piece of shit_,” you greeted the blonde man with a booming voice. 

Your jaw clenched and you began to breathe unevenly. All eyes in the hall were now fixated on you instead of Keenan: curious glances that followed the events, a few hushed voices appearing here and there, yet no one dared to interrupt you. You saw the distress in Furlan’s blue eyes. The girl next to him jumped to her feet, crying out her friend’s name and attempting to pull his body out of your grip, a few curses directed at you slipping out of her mouth.

“This is all _your_ fault. You’re not even supposed to _be_ here; you shouldn’t be _allowed_ to sit at this fucking table and enjoy _our food_ while my brother has to suffer _because of you_. We should’ve _killed_ you along with your friends in the Underground like the little rats that you are. _I_ should ha-”

“Are you done?”

With your mouth still open you gulped down the rest of your sentence and averted your eyes from Furlan to Levi. He still hasn’t turned to face you, yet his icy voice sent a shiver down your spine that made the blood in your veins freeze. Your whole body tensed. Inside your chest, your heart began to beat faster and faster.  
Your grip on Furlan’s collar loosened – he noticed it and promptly slipped out of it and stumbled backwards, his friend catching him in the process.

Keenan called out your name. He was at your side in an instant, his heavy hand laying down on your shoulder, his fingers digging into the material of your jacket, through your shirt and into your flesh. His grip was hot, the still feverish heat radiated off of him and made you aware of his looming presence next to you.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?” He hissed at you, the grasp on your shoulder tightening. Furlan straightened up, his hands fiddling with his collar. Then, he began to gesture wildly while he stammered incoherent sentences that made absolutely no sense. You didn’t even listen.  
Keenan wanted to pull you back with a harsh tug, but in that moment, Levi turned in his seat to face you.

His icy gaze met yours. Your throat dried out. The hall was dead-silent.  
All eyes were on you.  
You didn’t care.  
All that you saw _now_ was him.

“You’re quite impulsive and incompetent for a Squad Leader. Do yourself a favor and shut up.”

“_Make me_.”

And with that, he got up. He didn’t even hesitate.  
His dark eyes glinted menacingly, his jaw was clenched, yet his expression remained blank.  
Keenan desperately tried to drag you back by your shoulder, but your whole body tensed up in defense.

You loomed over Levi just like the night before in the hallway, while he studied you. 

“I’m _sorry_, it was an accident. I injured him _by accident_.” Furlan tried to argue in a desperate attempt to calm the tension that built up between Levi and you.

“You’re embarrassing yourself, _Squad Leader_.” Levi retorted and ignored Furlan. He spat the word _Squad Leader_ out like it was poison, _mocking_ you in the process.

“Hey, it was an accident, did you hear that guys?” Keenan interjected and shook you by the shoulder.

“I’m only saying out loud what everybody else in this room is thinking, _thug_.” You replied and ignored Keenan. You made sure to emphasize the insult.

“He _apologized_; did you hear it? It was an accident, it’s alright now, I forgive him. Step back now, _please_!” Keenan continued, his voice strained with exasperation, his hand still yanking at your shoulder.

All of a sudden, your mind was hyper-aware of all the eyes that were fixated on you. They practically bore into you – their condemning looks burned on your skin and through your flesh, leaving you completely exposed and vulnerable to their unspoken judgements.  
And you realized what all of this probably looked like to all of them – _you_, a senior of the Survey Corps, a _Squad Leader_, violating a mere _cadet_, accusing him openly, threatening to _kill him_ in front of everyone.  
It didn’t matter that he was a thug, or that he came from the Underground, or that he never underwent military training – because now, he was a member of the Survey Corps.  
He was one of you. And you had just declared that you had wanted to kill him.

Suddenly, you felt very ill.  
A small voice in the back of your mind began to scream at you, but you tried your best to ignore it. To keep it as far away from your thoughts as possible.  
With a swift movement you swatted Keenan’s hand away from your shoulder.

“I lost my appetite.” You declared without addressing anyone specific, your eyes not leaving Levi’s hard gaze.  
You shot Keenan a quick glance, then you turned around and headed out of the dining hall. You still felt Levi’s cold gaze stabbing you in the back like a sharp dagger on your way out.


	4. Akt II, Part 3: Always Remember That, Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be honest with y’all - I hated writing this chapter, and I still kind of despise it because I really hate writing those transition chapters in-between important plot-points. I’m sorry in advance if you find this one kinda boring - there isn’t much Levi in it, but it’s building up towards a big ass plot that’s about to come in the next chapter! (And if you care about Keenan: He’s gonna be more than just the almost-dying character, I promise!)

### Part 3: Always Remember That, Soldier

Your father had once taught you that every mistake a single person makes bears its permanent consequences that one has to deal with. This rule applied especially to soldiers – because the way a soldier handles said consequences determines if he qualifies as a good soldier.  
“_Always remember that, soldier._”  
You did.  
His words haunted you; they were carved into your skin like a scar, engraved deeply into your bones like a constant reminder of what he had wanted you to become. 

Shortly after you had stormed out of the dining hall, you had locked yourself in your office. There, in the small space with the stuffy air, where you actually felt _safe_, your rage had faded away and was replaced with the numbing realization of what you had done. 

You expected consequences for your behavior. _Naturally_, you expected them – after all, that was the way you had been raised.  
You had not only physically assaulted a subordinate – you had also threatened him in front of everyone and had even hinted at your desire to see him _dead_.  
You were ready to face any consequences for your committed mistake. That was the least that you could do.  
“_Always remember that, soldier._”  
His words echoed in your head like a never-ending mantra.

The curtains in your office were drawn and you sat behind your desk when someone knocked at your door. It was a quiet knock; only a faint tap against the heavy wood whose sound almost got lost, even in the absolute silence of the room. 

“Come in.” You called out with a firm voice, although you weren’t able to conceal the nervousness that resonated in your tone.  
You had expected anyone – Commander Keith, who personally came to call you to account for your tantrum. Erwin, who probably had heard about your outburst and wanted to confront you about it. Keenan, who had an outburst of his own prepared for you. Levi, for whom you couldn’t think of a reason to seek you out, yet somehow you weren’t able to rule out that he might appear in your office anyway.

But instead, Frank opened the door with a hint of hesitation.  
The tall teenager with the dirty-blonde hair stared at you with his deer-like eyes for a few silent seconds. Then, he suddenly seemed to remember _who_ he was facing.  
He saluted, and it looked clumsy and awkward due to his long and lanky arms.  
With a curt nod of your head you signaled him to present his matter to you.

“Squad Leader Kreuz, I’m sorry to disrupt you. But… the medic requested me to deliver this information immediately.” He said and tried his absolute best to look you in the eyes from his position in the doorframe. But he was probably able to tell the sudden shift in your posture, which made him all the way shakier than he already was. You felt your hard expression slipping away, revealing the nervousness and tension that tormented you underneath it.  
He swallowed hard.

“Keenan was brought back to the infirmary. He has requested for your presence.”

_There_ it was.  
Your own, personal consequence.  
Your head started to spin as your father’s voice boomed through your head, louder than before, sending a cold shiver down your spine, through your bones and right into your heart.  
“_Always remember that, soldier._”  
_You did._

* * *

You skipped your daily duties.  
Then, you skipped dinner.  
In the evening, Agnes sought out the infirmary with a small bowl of soup that she then placed on the nightstand next to the bed. After she had left silently, you hadn’t touched the bowl, until the growl of your stomach forced you to do so.

Keenan slept through almost all of it.  
Once in a while, his eyes fluttered open – though their bright and vivid color was gone, as well their usual feisty spark. They were dull and expressionless instead. As if he wasn’t really awake. As if his mind was actually far away from his physical body, somewhere where the fever didn’t torment him.  
For the most part, he only woke up to drink small sips of water. Then, the ruthless fever lulled his body back to sleep – all while never saying a single word to you. You wondered if he even acknowledged your presence, or if he just saw right through you. 

Upon your arrival, the medic had told you that Keenan would most likely get better soon – yet he hadn’t told you _when_. However, he had assured you that your brother just needed a lot of rest, medication and a proper treatment of his wound – and that he had probably strained his body way too much by leaving the bed too early.  
He had explained every detail about the procedure of the treatment to you – yet you hadn’t caught any of it.  
His voice had reached you, but at the same time it had appeared to be so far, far away. Everything around you just happened, and you were amidst all of it, watching your own body from afar.

You were left alone by the other members of the Survey Corps for the rest of the day.  
For a moment, you pondered if they had forgotten about your outburst in the morning. But then, as fast as that thought had appeared, it disappeared and was replaced by absolute apathy instead. Right now, you actually didn’t care.

Your brother laid underneath the covers, which were pulled up all the way to his chin. They only revealed his sickly-looking face, whose hollow cheeks stood out way too prominently. Even the dark circles underneath his eyes appeared to be a shade darker than before. They glistened in a dark purple, thin veins running through them and into the corners of his eyes.  
If it wasn’t for the steady rising and falling of his chest you wouldn’t be able to tell if he had maybe already died in his sleep. And the thought of that made your insides twist in physical pain.

When the sun finally set and the darkness of the night enclosed you in complete and utter solitude, you began to cry.  
Not the type of crying where one sobbed loudly, or wept, or tasted their own tears because they seemed to be just everywhere – but rather a silent, almost apathetic cry, where the tears only came because your body didn’t know what else you were supposed to do.

Sometime later, when the first silhouettes of the dark clouds were distinguishable in a dark-blue sky, that type of crying cradled you to a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The creaking of the wooden door disrupted your light slumber.  
Your eyes fluttered open, and the first rays of the morning sun hit you directly in the face. In order to make out who stood in the doorframe you had to squint and blink a few times, your mind still a little groggy from the restless few hours of sleep you had gotten.

Physically, you felt miserable – and you were certain that you also looked that way.  
Once again, you had fallen asleep in the way too hard and way too uncomfortable wooden chair next to the bed. Therefore, the muscles in your shoulders and your neck were tensed, your back hurt badly, your eyes still burned from crying, and a stinging ache throbbed in a steady and brutal rhythm inside your head. 

When you identified the tall person, who had just entered the infirmary, as Erwin, you abruptly rose up. Sniffling quietly, you tried to wipe away the dampness that still clung to your cheeks with the back of your hand as subtle as possible.

Instantly, your eyes wandered to Keenan, who was still fast asleep – although his face looked somehow different. That unsettling deathly pallor still graced his features, though something in his expression had changed overnight.  
He almost gave the impression of being calm. _At peace_.  
His chest rose and sank slowly, yet steadily. 

“How is he doing?”

Erwin’s voice cut through the everlasting silence, that had surrounded you since yesterday, like a hot knife. You regarded him through hooded eyes, then a small sigh escaped your lips.

“He will be alright.” You croaked. You rather tried to soothe yourself than Erwin with your own words, though the thought of actually _losing_ your brother still nagged at the back of your mind.

“I’m sure that he will be fine in the near future.” He agreed, his nonchalant tone made his statement sound fabricated.

Afterwards, Erwin fell silent – that awkward kind of silent, where you just knew that he didn’t actually know what else he was supposed to say, since he had eyes of his own and _saw_ that there may have been no _‘near future_’ for your brother. Additionally, you knew all too well that he hadn’t come because he cared about your brother in particular. In fact, you knew that he probably didn’t care at all – but even an eloquent talker like Erwin didn’t quite know how to transition from _that_ to the matter which had actually brought him to you. 

“And I’m sure that my brother isn’t the reason why you’re here that early in the morning.” You spoke up and tried your best to keep your voice stern, knowing all too well about Erwin’s dislike of beating around the bush.

“You’re right. Commander Keith wants to speak to you.”

‘_Of course, as if he could just forget about it,_’ you taunted yourself mentally and recalled your thoughts from last night about the Commander _maybe_ forgetting about your outburst. You had also skipped all of your duties, which didn’t paint you in quite a good light, either.  
You gave Erwin a wordless nod – your body was exhausted, and after yet another restless night, your mind was drained from any energy as well.  
With a last glimpse towards Keenan you made sure that his chest was still rising steadily. Your fear of him suddenly dying actually overwhelmed you, yet you tried to keep a composed demeanor in front of Erwin.

“I’ll head out to his office. Thank you for informing me.” You finally spoke up, your voice still a little raspy and coarse from your sore throat. With that, you wanted to head out of the infirmary, your eyes glued to your boots to avoid Erwin’s penetrating gaze – you didn’t even care about heading back to your room first.

“I’ll accompany you. The Commander requested my presence.” Erwin retorted with a harsh voice when you were just about to pass him in the door. For a moment you paused in the doorframe beside him and began to turn his words over in your tired mind.  
Then, you looked up at him and met his stoic gaze that didn’t allow you to read his thoughts. His brow was furrowed, though, so you assumed that _maybe_ he was essentially mad at you. Which made sense, you concluded. In a way, you were also mad at yourself – after all, you had just simply abandoned all of your duties, and you guessed that your outburst hadn’t really impressed him, either.  
You eyed him, until you finally nodded curtly.

Erwin followed you out of the infirmary, and for the first time in hours, you left your brother on his own.  
Albeit this thought gave you an uneasy feeling that made your chest tighten; you knew that you had to finally face your consequences. _If_ something happened, the medics would be there – at least that was what you told yourself to soothe your frantic mind.

An awkward and tense silence surrounded the two of you – all of a sudden, the way from the barracks to the main building of the headquarters appeared to be longer than usual. Not once did Erwin dare to even look at you – and although you equally avoided to look at him, you _sensed_ that he was most likely upset with you. Which made _you_ all the way more upset with yourself.

In the four years, in which you had called yourself a member of the Survey Corps, you had had plenty of time to get to know Erwin. Or at least to get to know the parts of him he had been willing to show to you.

He had already been a Squad Leader when you had joined the Scout Regiment. You had been assigned to his Squad, and in an instant, you had felt yourself drawn to him – which had been mostly due to his determination for his goals and a fierce will to reach said goals, as well as outstanding abilities in fighting.  
You had also deemed him quite skilled with his enunciation - overall, his entire being had embodied everything that you had always wanted to become.

‘_The perfect soldier, who puts humanity above his own life. Who has a clear goal set, a purpose that he follows, a philosophy that he lives by._’

In a way, he had been the first person you had learned to deeply and genuinely admire within the Survey Corps – the last person you had deemed worthy of that had been your father. Since then, the mindset to become an equal to Erwin had motivated you to rise in ranks among the Survey Corps.  
At first, you had aspired to become a Team Leader of his Squad. Then, long after you had reached your goal, you had aimed for an even higher rank as an actual Squad Leader – and by the time your second year in the Survey Corps had passed, Commander Keith had entrusted you with your own Squad.

Albeit being of equal ranks ever since, you _still_ saw Erwin as something more – something that you weren’t able to simply break down to one single label. You saw him as an authority of some kind, maybe even a role model. And although the concept of _friendship_ was a rather complicated one, due to the circumstances you lived in, you had even regarded him as something along the lines of a _friend_ – even though you knew that this sentiment wasn’t mutual.  
But your feelings hadn’t gone as far as _loving him_ – though back then, in the very beginning, when you had been younger, you had liked the thought of maybe doing so. Now, you looked back at your thoughts and deemed them as the purely immature and stupid thoughts of a way too naïve girl.

The respect for him went so far that you weren’t even able to imagine someone else that you wanted to follow more than him.  
In your eyes, Commander Keith was a weak man – he was far from being the kind of soldier that could lead humanity towards a success. And even though subjects like the succession of the Commander mostly remained a secret until the _actual_ nomination of the successor, you had secretly always believed for Erwin to be the most suitable leader of the Scout Regiment.

Him possibly – or most likely – being upset with you thus meant so much more.  
It meant that you had probably disappointed him. That you had given him a reason to deem you as _unworthy_ as a Squad Leader, or even as an equal to him. Hence, this gave you a reason to be mad at _yourself_.

The two of you passed the courtyard of the headquarters, walked through the main building and took a hold in front of the door to the Commander’s office.

Erwin had kept silent all the time and had clearly avoided any eye-contact with you. Or you had simply projected your own inner conviction of him being mad at you onto his behavior – either way, when you both stood in front of the wooden door that led to the Commander’s office, his eyes averted to you for the first time.

With a lump in your throat and dry lips you looked up at him and stared into the clear-blue eyes whose hard expression you had memorized so well after all these years. 

“Before you try to argue once again, I advise you to listen.”  
Confused at his sudden statement, you blinked up at him. You wanted to question what he meant by that to know what you should prepare for, but before you were even able to articulate your thoughts, Erwin opened the door to the office.

* * *

Intense and bright rays of the morning sun flooded inside the Commander’s office through the tall window and tainted the whole room in a radiant, friendly light.

However, the Commander sat at the long table with his back turned to the light source, so that a shadow was cast across his face. The dark circles underneath his sunken eyes appeared to be even more intense, the deep wrinkles surrounding them looked like carved-in cuts into his skin.  
And although his brow was furrowed and a grim expression graced his hard features, you knew that Keith Shadis was by far not as intimidating as his appearance led one to believe.

Erwin sat across from you, and you felt his hard stare that practically bore into you. The sun hit his face from the side and an elongated shadow spread across the other side of it, darkening his expression and the color of his left eye.  
Unlike Commander Keith, Erwin was someone whose appearance wasn’t the only thing that was intimidating about him – his whole demeanor was unnerving and dominant. Everything about him practically _screamed_ that he was more fit to be an authority than the man sitting only a mere distance away from him, who was the _actual_ authority.

This whole situation reminded you of the way your father had used to scold you – with your eyes glued to the table, since you didn’t dare to look up and meet Erwin’s stern gaze. With your hands placed in front of you, your fingers fidgeting nervously. With a giant lump sitting in your throat that made you unable to speak up.  
It was all way over ten years ago, yet right now, you felt just like the naïve and little girl you had once been. A long, long time ago.  
The muscles in your right leg twitched, which caused you to bounce your leg unintentionally. The memories flooded your head after you had believed that you had mostly forgotten about them.

Your own jumpiness drove you crazy – you tried to force your leg to remain still, at least for a few moments, by pressing your sweaty hand to your thigh, yet it was pointless. It felt as if your body didn’t want to listen to the commands your own mind gave to it.

Commander Keith cleared his throat.  
You swallowed hard and dared to avert your eyes from the safety of the table. Shadis regarded you for what seemed to be an eternity, until finally, an exasperated sigh left his lips. He leaned back in his chair, which creaked painfully underneath his movement.  
Suddenly, the grim expression faded away – and now, he just looked like the aging, stressed out and tired man that existed underneath that serious persona.

“I already had this talk with Flagon, and I’m not willing to repeat myself.” He began and observed your face. Then, he crossed his arms over his chest, his shoulders dropping slightly in the process.

“We talked through this decision _before_ the recruitment of them. And although I can’t force neither you _nor_ Flagon to _like_ them, you _both_ have to accept them, instead of picking fights with them.”

Of course, you immediately knew who he talked about.

For a brief moment, your eyes flickered to Erwin to examine his expression – though it hadn’t changed at all. He observed the Commander, his hands placed in front of him, his fingers intertwined firmly with each other. Shadis shot a glance at Erwin, and you had the feeling that there was _something_ he wanted to tell him, without speaking it out loud. Something that you weren’t supposed to hear. 

“The upcoming expedition is only mere weeks away. The last expedition left us heavily understaffed, and we can’t allow ourselves to now fight _each other_ if the enemy is out _there_.”  
Once again, the Commander observed you through hooded eyes, even if he didn’t appear to wait for an answer from you. Still, you pursed your lips into a thin line – you _knew_ that he had a point, and in fact, you were glad that he seemingly had no intention of punishing you. But the rage that you had felt the previous day still sat deeply at the pit of your stomach.

“I mostly agree with you, Commander. But one of these-… one of _them_ injured a member of my Squad heavily, and at the present time his state is quite… _critical_,” you had to swallow hard to get rid of the lump in your throat when the images of Keenan flashed in front of your eyes. “I’m not sure if he’ll be even able to participate in the expedition.”

“I’m aware of that.” Shadis answered and gave you a court nod. Once more, your eyes drifted to Erwin, but the blonde still kept his silence across from you. Although this time, his stare was fixated on you. In an instant, you felt vulnerable under his hard gaze that was piercing right through you. Your leg began to bounce on its own again.

“But I’m also aware that the injured person we’re speaking of is your brother.” Shadis continued, to which you shifted your gaze towards him, your brow now furrowed in genuine confusion.

“I … Yes, Commander. Keenan Kreuz is my brother. But he is also a Team Leader of my Squad. He is-”

“A personal interest of yours.” Erwin interrupted, and after hearing his voice, your lips dried out immediately.  
Your mouth still stood open as you regarded him, however you didn’t dare to finish what you had intended to say. Therefore, you closed your mouth and gulped down the rest of your sentence sitting at the tip of your tongue, while pressing your palm even harder into your thigh to make the bouncing _finally just fucking stop_. 

“We need you to set aside your own personal interest. Furlan Church injured your brother, we are aware of that. We are also aware of your brother’s state, but your main focus shouldn’t be set on revenge right now. This isn’t what the Survey Corps is about, and it won’t help in the long run.”

‘_Do you understand that, soldier?_’  
‘_Yes sir, I do understand._’

You weren’t able to form a coherent answer. So instead, you agreed with a stiff nod of your head, while feeling like a young, gullible child all over again. The Commander’s stare drilled into your temple, and all of a sudden, the throbbing pain was way too prominent inside your head. It made you feel sick, forcing you to close your eyes for a short moment and take a deep, shaky breath.

“I understand your concern as well, Squad Leader Kreuz.” The Commander spoke up. Your eyes fluttered open and you watched him lean forward, his arms now propped up on the arms of his chair.

“But Erwin is right; you shouldn’t be focused on the wrong goal that will mislead you. Besides, our new recruits are quite capable. Despite their lack of military training, their abilities with the 3DMG are remarkable. That girl also seems to be a good horseback rider, despite never sitting on a horse before.”

You tried really hard _not_ to wrinkle your nose in disdain. Instead, you looked up into the tired eyes of Shadis. You raised an eyebrow at him, and since he didn’t seem to wait for an answer from you yet again, he just continued.

“I’m _also_ aware that none of them are quite as capable as to face titans in only a few weeks. And I also know about the new Teams Leaders of your Squad, who are just young and still inexperienced cadets that you had trained personally in a quite short amount of time.” 

‘_Oh, please, no_’ you thought to yourself as you understood what Shadis tried to imply.  
Helplessly, you looked to Erwin and furrowed your brow, sending him silent cries of help through your eyes. Yet his expression remained stoic, and his whole demeanor appeared overall way too calm for your liking.

“Commander, I-… What about Flagon?”

“He will keep them in his Squad, of course.” Shadis replied, the corners of his mouth twitching suspiciously, as if he _wanted_ to smirk at you, but was simply physically unable to. “But you both need to put your personal interests aside and cooperate. Flagon will keep them on his Squad, but in order for them to learn quickly and effectively, they’ll need someone who is able to teach them that way. _Quickly and effectively._”

Suddenly, the urge to rip your own hair out became very tempting.  
For one last time, you averted your eyes to Erwin – and this time, you even got a reaction from him, which eventually caught you off-guard.

You hadn’t seen Erwin genuinely _smile_ particularly often – in fact, every time that you had thought that you had seen him smile, only the corners of his mouth were pulled up the slightest, the supposed emotion never really reaching his eyes.

But as he sat across from you, he nodded his head and actually _smiled_ at you.  
It baffled you – so much, that you swallowed every word of protest at once.

‘_Before you try to argue once again, I advise you to listen._’  
Defeated, you bit your bottom lip and leaned back in your chair. The wood groaned underneath you and filled the now silent room.


	5. Akt II, Part 4: Chokehold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Problematic behavior of an unrelatable Reader ahead, lol. This will probably be the peak of the questionable behavior though, I promise.

### Part 4: Chokehold

As Levi observed his friends it _still_ felt weird for him to see them in the uniforms of the Survey Corps. Hell, it still felt weird when he caught a glimpse of his own reflection wearing this shit. 

_The things you do for a citizenship._

And the fact that this damn expedition the Survey Corps were planning came closer with every passing day didn’t quite contribute for the weird feeling inside his stomach to disappear.

In order to discuss the job without the threat of anyone eavesdropping on their conversations, Levi had deemed the basement of the headquarters as the safest place to meet up. Sneaking out of their assigned barracks early in the morning, way before the day even officially began for the Scout Regiment, seemed like the perfect opportunity to talk through their plan – and they were in _desperate_ need of a fucking plan, because this job was harder than he had expected it to be.

Silently, he watched Isabel, who had climbed up a tall crate and now sat on top of it with her feet dangling in the air. Her green eyes were preoccupied with the movements of her toes wiggling inside of her boots. Meanwhile, Furlan leaned against the same crate and chewed absently on his bottom-lip, his arms folded in front of his chest, his gaze fixated on a random spot in the dim basement.  
Overall, the mood was rather … _concerning_. 

It was Isabel who disrupted the tense silence with a loud huff.  
“This job is so _annoying_!” She blurted out and then pouted with her head dramatically hanging between her shoulders. “They even won’t let me sleep in the same barracks as you, it’s _unfair_!”

“Well, it _would_ be kind of weird if you were the only female that’s allowed to sleep in the male barracks.”

“_Exactly! They_ make it out to be something weird! It’s annoying!” She replied with an angered spark in her eyes. A lopsided grin creeped its way on Furlan’s face, though it faltered as fast as it had appeared when he met Levi’s icy gaze, who watched the commotion in front of him unfold.

Furlan straightened his composure and cleared his throat, which made Isabel perk her head up, her feet still dangling in the air.

“I’ve to admit that this expedition is rather a bit more concerning,” Furlan changed the topic and folded his arms over his chest once again. “Is there any way to get this job done _before_ we have to leave the walls?”

An almost inaudible sigh left Levi’s throat. He took a seat on one of the lower crates that aligned alongside the dimly lit stonewalls of the basement. He propped his elbows up on his knees and leaned forward, the flickering candle next to Isabel creating an elongated and tall shadow that danced right behind him. 

“It’s more complicated than I thought,” Levi admitted and felt almost _embarrassed_ to do so. “I suspect that Erwin keeps the papers in his office. Which shouldn’t be a problem to break in once we get the chance.”

Levi observed the faces of his friends; Furlan nodded his head, although the nod looked stiff and still rather concerned with his lips pursed. Isabel huffed and kicked with her heels against the crate, which created a hollow and dull sound.

“We’ll try it today.” He announced and ignored the visible uncertainty that the facial expression of his friends gave away. “After the training. For the last few days most of the superiors were preoccupied with the preparations for the expedition, so it should be possible to break in.”

“What if Erwin’s little _lapdog_ finds us?” Isabel interjected, to which Levi quirked an eyebrow. The candle next to her flickered repeatedly, the dim light creating sharp shadows on her face that made her childish features appear uncharacteristically serious. The furious sparkle in her eyes stood out even more.

“I’m sure she’s creeping around his office when he’s busy and waits for him. Just like a stupid dog.”

Furlan chuckled in amusement, while a mischievous grin spread across Isabel’s face. Somehow, Levi didn’t find this mental image as amusing as them. 

After the incident at the dining hall had occurred a few days prior, Squad Leader Kreuz had calmed down with her stupidity towards Levi. The only time he encountered her was during the training-sessions, otherwise their paths didn’t cross, since she likely stayed with her brother, who still occupied the infirmary all by himself. Although now, Levi knew better than to sneak around the infirmary to check if Keenan had maybe died due to his wound – he wasn’t keen to encounter Kreuz at all, for he knew that he wasn’t able to hold back towards her hostility forever.  
Overall, he didn’t worry about her interfering with the job in any way – sure, she was a brat, an _exceptionally_ annoying one, but her obedience made her manageable. 

“You shouldn’t worry about such unimportant matters.” He finally responded, to which Isabel’s grin faltered.

“You could’ve _at least_ said that it was funny.”

“No, because it wasn’t.”

Isabel pouted once again, while Furlan stifled another chuckle. She shot him a pointed glance, her green eyes narrowing, so that he tried to mask his laugh by a dry cough.

“We’ll observe where Erwin goes after the training,” Levi interrupted them, since he didn’t have much patience left for _yet another_ one of their commotions. Their heads snapped towards him as he rose from his position on the crate. His shadow rose with him, appearing even bigger and longer, but with significantly less shape.

“One of us will break into his office and look for the documents. If you’re really that worried about getting caught, Isabel, the other two will wait outside and watch out for someone passing by.”  
Both Isabel and Furlan agreed with hasty nods of their heads, their eyes following Levi’s steps.

“Once we have the documents, we’ll see what happens after that.” Levi stated with a firm voice and positioned himself in front of his friends. They observed him, each with a determined expression on their face – they both knew what Levi meant by that.

Stealing the documents was one thing. _Killing Erwin_, on the other hand, was a different story. Sure, it was manageable – but this was where Levi worried about _Erwin’s lapdog_.

* * *

“Did someone _teach_ you how to ride a horse?”

“No. But I’ve always been fond of animals!”

“That’s, uh- wait!”

You observed the two girls engaging with each other suspiciously from your spot in the shadow underneath one of the tall trees.  
Isabel didn’t even let Agnes finish her sentence before dashing off on the mouse-gray mare she had claimed as her own, the hooves of the horse clattering loudly on the flattened earth of the training ground and swallowing any small protest towards her that Agnes tried to articulate.

Now, the teenager stood in the middle of the training ground with the reigns of her own mare clutched in her hands, her eyes still set on the other girl who had just bolted away. You were able to read the obvious confusion on her soft features even from afar. With a quick and subtle glance at Frank, who stood right beside you underneath the tree, you caught him staring at his Squad-mate with a longing gaze and his mouth agape. He had been in the process of cleaning his blades, yet he had stopped in his tracks to observe the teenage-girl, his hands sinking slowly, the blades now abandoned and forgotten. 

The corners of your mouth twitched, yet you gave your best to suppress a sly grin.

“I hope you’ll watch out for her on the expedition as much as you stare at her right now while she does absolutely nothing.” You commented dryly without looking at him, a lopsided grin now sneaking its way on your face. Frank startled and almost dropped his blades in the process, a surprised yelp escaping his lips while he tried to keep his balance.

“I-, I-, I did not _stare_, I- ah, I mean, I- I don’t even know what you _mean_ by that, Squad Leader!” He tried to talk his way out of it rather awkwardly. You averted your eyes to him and looked into his face – a soft, red hue tinted his cheeks, and you weren’t able to suppress yet another crooked grin.

“_Of course_, you don’t know.” You played along, although the amusement very obviously resonated in your voice. You moved your gaze back to Agnes, who was now saddling her own chestnut mare with a determined expression on her face. A small sigh left your lips.

“I hope that you intend to tell her how you feel. Watching you being in love _that_ obviously makes me almost sick.”

“_Wha- Squad Leader_!”

“If you don’t do it yourself, I’ll do it for you.”

“I- oh my…”

Agnes climbed on her horse with a swift, yet still clumsy looking movement, and settled down in the saddle, her hands clutching the reigns. 

“Look, she’s actually getting back on track with it.” You pointed out and motioned to the young Team Leader with a small nod of your head. You folded your arms over your chest and watched the red-haired teenager pull the reins closer, her upper-body leaning forward and the heels of her boots kicking into the sides of the horse. It neighed underneath her and sprinted forward, the loud clatter of hooves filling your ears once again. Proudly, you watched her dash away, her braid bouncing up and down with every step the horse took.

“Wow,” you heard Frank mutter under his breath, which lured a small laugh out of you.

“She obviously got over her fear. Now you don’t have an excuse for not telling her about your crush.”

“Squad Leader, _please_! W-What if someone _hears_ you?!”

“Don’t worry about it, they probably all know about it anyway since you’re not quite subtle with it.”

The redness of Frank’s face now reached his neck and ears, incoherent stuttering blurted out of his mouth, while his tongue obviously got in a twist. His flustered state lured yet another laugh out of you – one that resonated with mischief and genuine honesty. 

Both Frank and Agnes had been in the same Training Corps – they had joined the Survey Corps only mere months ago and had been assigned to your Squad. Although they were both fairly young and still green, they had successfully survived an expedition. Though, after the last two Team Leaders of your Squad had died during said expedition, the weight of the promotion to this rank laid on those green and inexperienced shoulders ever since.

Sadly, promotions like that were a rather unpleasant result of the understaffing of the Survey Corps.

At first, their promotion had felt like a burden to you – after all, they were just teenagers. But since you hadn’t wanted to lose yet _another_ pair of Team Leaders in a short amount of time, you had offered to train them personally in addition to their usual training.  
You had shown them some of your fighting-techniques, taught them to stay as calm as possible during stressful situations, and prepared them for the fact that outside of the walls, death didn’t make exceptions for inexperienced teenagers.

Over time, they had learned to respect you greatly – and you had actually taken them into your heart, despite the age gap that separated you. It felt like you had – _involuntarily_ – adopted them. 

Agnes was a caring, clever and strong-willed girl, though her great fear of horses had stuck with her after an incident with a particularly aggressive mare, which had thrown her off brutally on one of her first days of training with the Survey Corps.  
And though Frank was still in the awkward phase of his mid-teen-years, he was slowly growing into the role of a responsible and intelligent Team Leader. Someday, if you should ever fall during an expedition, you hoped that one of them would be entrusted with your Squad. 

But in the present time, they were still just _kids_ – kids who had left their hometowns, their families and their hopes for a secure existence within the walls behind to risk their lives for humanity’s sake.  
You hadn’t been that brave at their age; you had been forced to join the military as an eighteen-year-old. The respect they offered you was, in a way, returned without you ever voicing it out loud.

“What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?”

Flagon’s booming voice echoed through the training ground, disrupting you from your thoughts and startling Frank. You both turned towards the commotion that took place a small distance away from you with some of the members of Flagon’s Squad already gathering around the argument that just waited to escalate.

“The blades weren’t designed to be held like that! Do you want to _die_ the moment you step outside those walls?”

“That might just happen to you.” A calmer, yet firm and cold voice replied, which made you squint your eyes in disdain.

“W-What did you just say?!”  
Flagon was visibly irritated – his fists were clenched and judging by the way his voice resonated with disbelief, you assumed that he had taken Levi’s words quite personally.

Frank swallowed loudly beside you, and out of the corner of your eye you saw him shift his weight from one leg to another, his eyes wandering quickly between you and the short black-haired male, who held his blade _indeed_ the wrong way. 

“A-Are you, uh, I mean- should _we_ intervene?”

“Not yet,” you shot back and crossed your arms over your chest, watching the commotion unfold further after it had sparked your interest. “Let’s watch him first. _Then_ I’m going to intervene.”

The small argument between Flagon and Levi ended by the latter simply attaching the hooks of his gear to two tall trees nearby and flinging his body forward in one swift and elegant movement. He emerged into the forest of the training ground, leaving his superior and some of his Squad-mates behind with baffled expressions on their faces. Flagon began to visibly grit his teeth, his shoulders tensed up, and he activated his own gear to follow Levi into the forest.

“Are you going to, uh … follow him, Squad Leader?” Frank questioned with genuine confusion in his voice. You felt his stare laying on you and practically drill into your temple, so you turned to him and looked up into his dark and soft eyes. Despite him being younger than you, he had already surpassed you in height. The boy blinked at you a few times in uncertainty, until you finally shook your head as an answer.

“No. I won’t waste my energy just because he feels self-importance to such an extent.” You explained and studied the boy, who now looked at you with child-like curiosity and wide-open eyes. “We will wait here, and as soon as he returns, I’ll show you what I’ll do.”

Frank nodded hastily, the spark in his eyes giving away the curiosity about what you had in mind to teach him this time.

The discussion with Commander Keith and Erwin a few days prior about you taking on the task of teaching the three thugs in a short amount of time had taken quite a sharp turn; although the Commander hadn’t exactly punished you for your outburst, it definitely still felt like a punishment to you. Obviously, you had accepted his order without any protest whatsoever – you weren’t allowed to deny your superior. Yet you hadn’t actively acted to fulfill said order up to this point. 

You had told yourself that it was still Flagon’s responsibility to teach them all of the essential knowledge to prepare them for the upcoming expedition. After all, they were still assigned to _his_ Squad – _you_ only wanted to intervene if things got out of Flagon’s control.

After a few minutes, in which loud fighting noises emitted from the forest, Levi charged through the trees and landed on the flattened earth of the training ground, an unimpressed expression laying on his face. The blades in his hands appeared to be now dull and used-up – you concluded that he had successfully destroyed the practice dummies in the forest, _despite_ still holding the weapons the complete wrong way.

Flagon emerged between the trees soon after and landed a few feet away from Levi – he panted loudly with a pissed off look on his face, the sweat on his forehead glistening in the midday-sun like a testimony of his effort to keep up with his subordinate.  
While Furlan and Isabel were now gathering around Levi – the girl cheered excitedly how ‘_cool_’ Levi was – you decided that _now_ was the right moment for you to intervene.

The way the fury reflected in Flagon’s eyes signaled to you that this was just an outburst waiting to happen – that he took him being _inferior_ in his abilities to a _subordinate_ way too personally. It didn’t help that Levi wasn’t keen on following the orders of his superior, either.  
Flagon may have been their Squad Leader, but when it came to teach them about obedience, he seemed rather incompetent.

You knew very well that Commander Keith had probably expected you to train each of them individually, just like you had done with Frank and Agnes – but you had other things in mind.  
After all, the teenagers were quite obedient and willing to learn. Levi and his friends, on the other hand, seemed to be the exact opposite – so, you had decided to teach them the way your father had once taught you when you had shown him disobedience.

With a sigh you shuffled out of your secure and shadowy spot – you felt Frank’s gaze in your neck while you approached the three new recruits. You tried your best to remain as stoic as possible as you took a hold in front of them, and as soon as Isabel and Furlan took notice of you, they fell silent in an instant.

Levi furrowed his brow and eyed you suspiciously, his hands still tightly clutching his blades. By now, you felt more eyes than just Frank’s laying on your form – most of them probably still remembered the last time you had approached the three of them and just _waited_ for the commotion to unfold. With your hands neatly folded behind your back you motioned with a small nod of your head to Levi’s blades, your shoulders tensed, while you loomed over the short man in front of you.

“Put your weapons away.”

“Why?”

“This wasn’t a request. It was an order from a superior.”

Although Levi narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw, he did as he was told. He put the dull blades back into its sheath, which then left him practically unarmed. You nodded curtly and closed your eyes for a brief moment, taking in an exasperated breath.

“Your disobedience towards your superior is quite frustrating, you know that, right?” You finally began and studied his face, which barely showed any emotion whatsoever. He made no move that signaled you that he wanted to respond, so you simply continued.

“Besides, you held the blade the wrong way, _despite_ your Squad Leader advising you to hold it correctly. I know that following rules might appear hard after you were allowed to do whatever you wanted in the Underground, but you’re in the Survey Corps now. You have to obey, or else, you will die outside of these walls.”

A small sigh left your lips.  
Behind your back, you clenched your hands into fists and began to mentally prepare yourself for what was about to come. 

“But it seems that words are useless in order for you to finally understand that you can’t just do whatever you want.”

‘_This isn’t a punishment, soldier. Pain is the best tool for discipline._’

“Which means that there’s only one thing left to make you understand.”

His frown deepened – the genuine confusion reminded you of the look that had crossed his eyes when he had seen your face for the very first time. You were basically able to see him turning your words around in his mind while he studied you out of his dark eyes. The moment he seemingly understood what you meant, it was already too late for him to act on it.

You turned your upper body to the side slightly, not leaving him out of your sight. Then, in one quick movement, your tightly clenched fist flew right into his abdomen.  
Isabel’s piercing scream reached your ears.  
Frank cried out loudly in shock, signaling you that he had followed you.  
A few gasps sounded around you, and a loud ‘_Holy fucking shit!’_ tumbled out of Flagon’s mouth.

You felt the gazes of way too many people burning on your skin, yet you knew that this time, this was a _necessity_.  
Since you had caught Levi off-guard, your punch had seemingly surprised him – with wide-open eyes he lost his balance and flew backwards. He landed on his rear, the 3DMG and the sheath that were still attached to his hips, cluttered loudly as soon as they came in contact with the ground.

You grabbed him by his hair, the strands feeling soft and silky in between your fingers. Then, you yanked his head back, forcing him to look up at you and exposing the pale skin of his neck to you in the process. Your other fist now connected with his jaw, the knuckles of your finger throbbing painfully as soon as they made contact with the hard bone.  
Since you still had him by his hair, he wasn’t able to fall back – his head turned to the side, and your fist was able to connect with his face yet again. 

And again. And again. And again.  
Everything around you was completely silent.  
His blood stuck to your knuckles and oozed through your fingers into your palms. It felt warm and sticky.

When your knuckles ached too badly to continue, you proceeded to slap him brutally with your palm, leaving a bloody mark behind on his cheek, the loud smack bouncing off of the tall trees and echoing hauntingly through the dead-silent training ground.  
Levi remained mostly silent the whole time, only a few grunts escaping his throat here and there – it actually surprised you, but it also proved to you that this was probably the only way to make him understand.

Finally, when he spat a clump of blood on the ground, you shoved his head back and let go of his hair. Though his body flew backwards, he managed to grab you by the wrist, your eyes widening upon the sudden contact.

Everything then happened too fast to comprehend.  
He pulled you forward with a strong hold, your feet slid around helplessly until they lost contact with the ground and you flew face-forward into the dirt, your cheek painfully connecting with the ground.  
You wanted to push your body up from the ground, however Levi was faster – he turned you on your back quickly and straddled you, his hips connecting to your own and pinning you to the ground, his 3DMG adding extra weight.

You wanted to shove him down and placed your palms on his chest, but his fingers wrapped around your throat with a rough grip, forcing your mouth open. He loomed over you, his hot breath stroking your face, _your_ hands still on his chest, _his_ hands still on the sensitive skin of your throat.

His face was now inches away.  
You stared into his eyes and for the first time, you noticed that they were a penetrating shade of dark-grey. Black strands of hair tickled your cheek, the blood that still streamed out of his nose dropped down on your face, the hot liquid burned on your skin.

You didn’t fight back. You didn’t struggle. You didn’t kick your legs to free yourself, and you also didn’t claw at his fingers to free your throat from his chokehold. Instead, your hands remained on his toned chest, his heart beating frantically under your touch, the heat of his skin radiating through his shirt and into your palms.

For the first time, you looked at him – _really_ looked at him, and all of a sudden, it felt like he was _actually_ choking you. Like the world turned slower and slower. Everything around you was dizzy and lucid at the same time. Your heart pounded erratically. The blood pumping through your artery pulsated underneath his fingers like a hasty beat.

“It seems like I just bested you.”

The corners of his mouth twitched. His low voice vibrated in his chest, underneath your fingers and in your bones. It sent a shiver down your spine; one that was neither pleasant nor uncomfortable – you simply weren’t able to point out the emotion that pulsated through your body. You tried to swallow, but you felt physically unable to due to his rough hands. It felt like you had spent hours under his penetrating gaze.  
And though his face remained stoic and unreadable, you saw a spark in his eyes – in this very moment, you wished that you were actually able to read his thoughts.

Levi studied your face for a few seconds, and since his own face was still only inches away, you thought that you saw something along the lines of _curiosity_ crossing his features.  
He removed himself from you, his fingers freeing your throat, so that you were able to _finally_ take a deep and shaky breath.  
The heartbeat underneath your palms was gone, the pleasant friction on your hips disappeared, and suddenly, you felt _empty_. Your hands grabbed onto nothing as you blinked up at the cloudless blue sky above you, a hot and fuzzy feeling left in your lower body.


End file.
